Confusion is this stage’s word. Even though I’m making my way to my life’s goals, the one’s Ive been dreaming about all my life and always known will make me happy because they have to…Well, lets just say some things have not gone as planned (for better or for worse).

Let me try something different. I see a tendency, from my part, to complain with much nonsense in these things, and I hate it. Especially since I admire coherent, eloquent thought when it can be transmitted through the written word, not so much as for others to understand what it’s been said (and love the way something has been written), but for the comprehension of the person that puts it on paper.

Now, I’m no master in this field and, if anything, I’m lacking much skill in the communication department…I think thats how all the confusion started, bad communication skills; verbal, written, mental, physical…

Lets see, all my life I’ve lived by rules and standards that will get me nearer to my wishes, the most important rule of all been “not harming anyone in the process”. Everything I’ve gotten (well, before the confusion) was out of the value I gave that rule, and the belief that if I showed that kind of respect to others they would reciprocate, and I wasn’t mistaken. The cost of such decision only was the sacrifice of many experiences in my life that I now regret not living.

People see me as submissive, non-threatening, happy-go-getter, blah, blah, blah…Well, I am all those things, not because I’m less than others, but because an aggressive, dominant, threatening approach was not getting me anywhere but trouble, hate and isolation. Which, in its turn, became such low self-esteem and loneliness that all this years of redemption have not been able to remove or decrease.

Recently I made a selfish decision (because thats what they call it “selfish” when someone decides to go after something they want even if its not agreeable with everyone else). After a couple of years of doing the right thing a whole new world opened it’s doors to me. It showed me knowledge, independence and, the most important thing, that I was not alone…the “University”.

All the bullshit I had withstood before just because I felt different, less, started disseminating and becoming something else. It gave me power, love, fun, real friends…Something I had always idealized from television but that never thought would ever be part of my life. There are many things I regret from this stage, and those are the things I did not do because of the fears developed in the past; a great getaway weekend missed because I did not dare call in sick to work, a road trip which I cherish through the memories of others because I was scared of going. All the hugs, the displays of affection I just shrank from because I developed a hate/fear towards such things.

When you hang long enough around people, or are forced to, they start to look better…So, the compliments towards how I looked started, a thing without precedent which I still dont believe when people say such things to me. Not that I believe that all there is to it is that I dont believe what they are saying, I deserve no compliments really, but, that’s not a subject for this post.

The thing is, that the discovery of this part of my self, took one aspect of the loneliness away, and with it, I gained some self-respect and strength I didn’t knew I could ever show. Those things of power ignited in me the need for more…for those things I believe to deserve, which became the beginning of the corruption of my goodness, or the acknowledgement of my corruption, one that has always been there, not dormant but silent.

The complexities of my being, like everyone elses, will never be fully comprehended by anyone, although no one is closer to its truth than ones self. With this newfound me, I’ve chosen to take more chances, do things I wouldnt have done before, not be so fucking agreeable with everyone just because I’m afraid of rejection…

I did “something bad”, becoming many things I once criticized and swore never to do. Yet, if anything, Im worried that, regardless of, I don’t give a damn. Why? Because the experiences that “bad” thing brought into my life, into my memories (well, most of them) are some of the best moments I’ve been through, and they will become part of my new book in which there is one new rule, or should I say question, “do you want to turn this into another ‘what if’?”, most of the times, lately, my answer has been “no”…which makes me smile.

That’s why I’m confused. I’m turning back to the not hurting anyone rule, taking for granted that which makes me happy, and I don’t know what to do. I have learned to become somebody which makes me happy to be me, a bit fucked up, mind you, but happy. I dont want to turn back, be unbalanced because of a fanatic extreme of righteousness.

I don’t go by most peoples moral standards because I dont believe in those morals that are society’s way of keeping people on a leach (well, that’s a complicated thought I will not go into right now). But, there are some things that are not wrong or bad, how can they be when the smallest of moments experiencing them make one forget all that’s trully bad?