11.29.06
I’m a loooooooser…
I’m a loser
I’m a loser
And I’m not what I appear to be
Of all the love I have won or have lost
there is one love I should never have crossed
She was a girl in a million, my friend
I should have known she would win in the end
I’m a loser
And I lost someone who’s near to me
I’m a loser
And I’m not what I appear to be
Although I laugh and I act like a clown
Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown
My tears are falling like rain from the sky
Is it for her or myself that I cry
I’m a loser
And I lost someone who’s near to me
I’m a loser
And I’m not what I appear to be
What have I done to deserve such a fate
I realize I have left it too late
And so it’s true, pride comes before a fall
I’m telling you so that you won’t lose all
I’m a loser
And I lost someone who’s near to me
I’m a loser
And I’m not what I appear to be
Too bad the girl I dedicate this song to is the one I used to be…I miss her. Her drive, her smarts, her patience and perseverance. I guess we all have to change at one time or another, but why for the worst?
The other day I read my Three Month Challenge and realized, if anything, things have only become worse…The winds still control me, I don’t believe enough in myself anymore to even care or put them in their place.
I don’t want to go back to that girl, the loner who because of the lack of friends would spend all her time at the library cracking some books and minding her own business, dreaming of leaving her homeland to live a life of adventure…I just want her organization, her drive back…the ability to focus on a task until it’s finished. Is it too much to ask? To finish something again?
Of course it’s not the girl’s fault (completely), but the education system as well is to blame. She entered the university prepared for the challenge and she was good at not letting herself down, but then as time passed the requirements changed, and she forgot how to study, how to do her homework properly for the discipline she chose didn’t require that sort of effort. Now that she is studying something else, she feels lost and confused over the loss of knowledge. She remembers her past, how good she used to be at this, and so does the people that remember that old girl and haven’t realized she has changed…how now she needs two hours to write a freaking page, when before she would have done at least ten…
I miss her. I want her back!
Give her back to me! I don’t like living under a mask.
11.16.06
Just woke up from a dream…
My last dream of the night was kind of an adventure. I can pick it up at a class I take, Introduction to Physical Anthropology, at least with the teacher from that class, because I don’t remember the students from the dream. We decided to go on a fieldtrip, but not to see bones or mokeys, or stuff like that, but something else…
I don’t really feel part of this class in real life because I’m working on anthropology, it’s archaeological aspects, this has more of a natural science orientation which really doesn’t fill me with much passion, so in the dream I was apart from the group for a while.
We were all together until we got scooters (the kind that are like a skateboard with a handle) and I accelerated, leaving all of them behind. Then I arrived at this street light I know in real life, where there is a McDonalds (that wasn’t in the dream) close to a school I used to go to. The closer I get to the street light, the darker it gets, so I start to slow down. When I turn where the corner should be, I’m surrounded by darkness, so I decide to turn around, until I find the rest of the class and the teacher, and some light…But I’m nowhere near the McDonald’s corner anymore, but at a mountain.
I definetly know that it is an alternate reality because the teacher was being friendly to me while we went through a narrow path of pinkish white pebbles that went around the mountain. “You know, you will be able to charge more because of all the experience you are accumulating with the things we’ve been doing in this class.” The thing is, that this sentence made sense to me, and memories came back of other adventures and lectures (that have not happened in reality) that would make me more of a proffesional. “Some people want to pay most students no more than $7 an hour, now you may be able to charge more when you add this to your resume.”
The thing is that at some point we arrive to a hidden path, at which end there is a curtain, behind which is a sort of check-in counter where I turn-in the scooter.
I don’t know why but, again, I’m not with the class. This time the only one with me is a guy, but we are the only two that make it there at the moment. It isn’t any student though, I know this guy, but now my memory fails to show me his face, and how I know him…he’s not from the real life class though…Anyway, the thing is that they allow us to go through and we are greeted by a beautiful greek/roman-like temple, with many silk curtains and antique chairs, etc…and with this wonderful view of a beach, with few people, all of them gorgeous.
Then, I notice a man, imposing, powerful, good looking…I don’t know if he was wearing a toga or not (go figure, me having greek/roman dreams)…and he approaches the guy that’s with me. (For this, I don’t remember the dream too well so I don’t know conversations verbatim, but the general idea.) He convinces my friend(?) of how wonderful all that surrounds him is, and how it all is his to command. It’s like he was convincing him to join a cult or something. But then I would see and hear what the man was saying, as if I was considering it from the guy’s perspective. The fun, the peace, no responsabilities, only fun.
The man then gives him a tour, we go to another room that looks like a living room outdoors, with the beach view to one side and the tv, radio, etc. on the other.
That’s when the guy seems convinced and they remember, or acknowledge, my presence. The man smiles at me before leaving, or going to a corner or something, I can’t remember, but the guy gets close to me, puts his arms around my waist, I do the same, and we start dancing to some music. I don’t remember it well, but I get the sense it was all instrumental and oriental, but I would be guessing…We were dancing so close I don’t think there was any space between us. We were looking at each other as if studying each other’s features to keep them forever in our memories as well as caressing each other, creating a mental map of our bodies…(but it obviously didn’t work ’cause, argh! I can’t remember!) His eyes, they were gleaming, adoring me (why? I don’t know). We were becoming one, I think a more appropiate word is fusion…He was convincing me of joining him, to stay with him in that place, as we were at that moment, and he was succeding…
That is, until I became concious of our surroundings and there were three women (like the sisters in Beauty and the Beast, but human and I think I know them too)…anyway, I became uncomfortable all of a sudden, it was a really intimate moment and they were watching…I think I noticed them because they were giggling as if knowing something I didn’t…I stopped dancing, and stopped caressing him, I just, held him by the waist. He looked stranged and tried to get me to move. The thing is that I still was, but in my mind, I felt my hips moving to the rythm of the music, the bliss of being alone with him once again…I looked him straight in the eyes to make him see, but he asked me why I had stopped dancing, to which I answered that I hadn’t, and why couldn’t he see?
But, he didn’t see me dancing with him, he even started getting a little upset, and I decided to slip away from his grasp. Why couldn’t he see us dancing together as I did? It was all ruined.
I decide to leave, I get the strong feeling that all is wrong, I don’t belong neither there or with him, so I say I want to go. The man appears, tries to persuade me to stay, but I decide to go. Suddenly I’m at the check-in counter, where I’m to pick up my scooter, there is another girl there that has chosen to leave as well. There comes the guy from the counter and hands us our stuff. Then another one arrives with two flashlights. It seems that now it is policy to give people that leave flashlights because of all the ones that fall down the ravine.
There is also a car, they say we can drive the car out, but that it would only seat two people, because they would have to seat only on one side to keep the balance, to which I say I’ll keep the scooter because I’m not driving a car with TWO WHEELS IN MID-AIR!
So, with my scooter and a flashlight I leave the place. It’s still daylight outside, but I turn on the flashlight anyway. The girl runs away from me, and alone I start to question my decision of leaving, and how on earth will I get anywhere from there? It starts to get dark and the flashlight starts to fail. Everything becomes dark again, and when the flashlight re-starts working, I see in front of me a little hill, same pinkish white pebbles form a path, and there is the man from the temple. He tries to persuade me to go back because the guy I left behind needs me…I don’t remember what happened next but suddenly I wake up with a start see the time and get up.


