Changes…
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life

…such a small word that implies so many different things. Still, all its uses involve something no longer being what it was.

From the moment of our conception (who knows if from before) we experience Change. It’s something unstoppable and constant. Because of this we both yearn and fear it. There are Changes we look forward to, like growing up and having life turn out the way we always, or recently, dreamed of, as well as those that we repel, the ones that block our way into getting that which we have always, or recently, wanted.

Brought about by a transformation, the end of one thing and the beginning of another, the sum of something or the lack of that which used to be there, etc…Change can be caused by anything, and at many different levels. Sometimes it’s subtle, untraceable, but it happens. Like, in my present (or should I say past), I just changed the blank spaces in this sentence when I decided to type. Simple, very simple, but a change nonetheless, an act of creation bringing into being a letter, a word, a phrase, a sentence that wasn’t there before.

Yet, other changes are more than noticeable and can change, not only the course of one life, but of many. It all depends on the person/people (if such is the being that applies), the moment, the environment…This mayor Changes usually happen consciously; they entail that a decision or a choice has come into play.

I guess that’s why I’ve been missing in action for a while now…at least absent from the lives of many people I care about. I felt my life at a stand-still, stuck. Subtle changes were no longer what I needed, desired or deserved. So, a conscious decision of altering the course of my life was made, which not only affected the outcome of the months that followed for me, but also for the people that surrounded me.

It was like a trigger. Once you decide that Change, real Change, will enter your life it doesn’t do it one step at a time, one thing first and then another, and then another…It works in all aspects of your existence. And it doesn’t stop. Suddenly I was finishing up classes I needed (even if I still have some incompletes), then I got my own apartment, which came with attachments such as bills, debts and responsibilities that I didn’t have before. I wasn’t used to any of it, and I was worried I would not succeed at my new life, at what I had chosen so I could feel that I had moved on, that I wasn’t a failure.

Work! At first, there was none…and all of a sudden, BOOM! Non-stop. For which I’m grateful because it helped me not worry so much about some of the newly acquired tasks (bills). Plus, all the knowledge and experience I was suddenly acquiring. I’ve been given more responsibilities and seemed to succeed at the completion of them.

My relationships with people Changed as well. I no longer seemed to have time for some and all the time in the world for others. I tried being a good family member, but they too passed to second place. Some friendships became stronger, others almost disappeared.

I’ve Changed so much; the way I think, the way I feel, my environment, my responsibilities…I’m not the RJ I was this time last year. I like the Me at this present. That’s why, even if I would like to say I regret this past months, it would be a lie. I needed to leave some things behind in order to move forward so I could comfortably take them back again, and dispose of the new that didn’t satisfy me. I don’t know if that makes sense…I never stopped thinking about my dreams, my friends, my family…but I learned that sometimes one has to put themselves first in order to move forward. I hope I can regain relationships lost, and forget those that no longer satisfy my desires. To keep on Changing for the better, for my happiness.

So, if you feel stuck. Just stop. Think about what you really want and where you are. What do you think you deserve? Go for it. Everything that should be there to be part of the fulfillment of your desire will be there. It will take a bit of juggling but we all have it within us to achieve happiness. Embrace the Change…even if you fear it.

I guess that now I begin to understand how life can be one big adventure…I just regret to have started mine so late. At least that’s better than never, I guess.